Please pass this on to everyone you know or will ever know.

Friday, September 24, 2010

The Art of Being a Man

Being a man has become increasingly complex over the years. For example, up until about 200 years ago, all you had to do to be a good man is work all day to feed your family. If you didn’t work, you didn’t eat, and then what kind of a man would you be? That’s right; A dead one.
I mean, even 50 years ago all you had to do was not beat your kids and not get drunk too often, and you were doing alright. These days, with the ravenous media at every turn, a man must always be on his guard. Aside from not beating your kids (which is fairly reasonable, I think (unless they deserve it)), you must be aware of everything you say, do, wear, and think. Yes, everything you think, because you never know how many telepathic people are out there at any given time peering into your less-than-manly thoughts.
Being a man today is an art form. No longer does it mean being a burly, mustachioed lumberjack, nor does it have anything to do with the amount of marshmallows you can fit into your mouth.  Being a man today is all about confidence. And winning at video games. It is also about getting as much general knowledge as possible to shove in people’s faces.
For example, last night I watched a documentary about space. Yes space. How hard core is that? Only slightly, when you consider the frailty of the average scientist. It’s still manlier than, say cross stitching though (depending on what pattern you’re using, i.e. ZZ Top=Manly). What’s more hard core is the fact that I now can verbally destroy any and all opponents who challenge me on any paltry trivia. Now obviously, I am not the manliest man in the world. I have not yet mastered this ancient art. However, I am extremely close. I admit that there are many people out there, including some members of the fairer sex, who can trounce me in a game of wits. The fact that I admit this makes me even manlier. Again, it’s all about confidence.
Sculptors and painters across the ages have painted men with perfectly sculpted physiques. Nowadays, this is not the most accurate representation of a quality cross-section of America. The fact is, people are shorter. Also, I suspect these artists paid just a little too much attention to the “details”, if you catch my drift (I can't speculate on the sexuality of said artists, but you can see my point).  There are men of all shapes and sizes all over the world. Would someone with 3 chins be considered less manly than someone with a 6 pack? Well, depending on your definition, because technically the fat guy is more man than the skinny guy, but you get what I mean. A little fitness never hurt anybody.
These days, in the heyday of automobiles and moving pictures, as they are sometimes called, appearances are extremely important. At every turn is the heavy influence of womanly things. A man must set aside thoughts of flower arrangements or Hollywood romance gossip. Hard though it may be, if these thoughts are allowed to flourish, all manly thoughts concerning cars, guns, electronics, and spy movies will be suffocated under a flower print duvet cover.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a game of “Goldeneye” on N64 to win.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

What Their Flag Should Look Like

As I bopped around the interweb yesterday, I got thinking; why do some flags look the way they do? They are certainly not what I would have picked for your nation/state/sexual orientation. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. What right do they have to display a flag that misrepresents their organization?
How about I redesign your flag? I’ll do it free of charge. Because that’s the kind of guy I am.
Japan-  Japan’s flag is a red dot on a white background. I’m told it’s meant to symbolize the sun. Who ever heard of a red sun? At least distinguish it with a smiley face and sunglasses or something. Also, the Nintendo logo should be on the corner.

Cook Islands- Okay really, someone needs to get original. I do believe England and Colonial America had that flag first. Ya ol’ copy cats. I would make a blue-green background (to symbolize water) and 15 little green dots to symbolize the islands. Actually, it might be easier to get on Google maps and take the sky view and make that the flag. There. What a good flag.
 Iraq-  Earth to Iraq: No one can read squigglies. I don’t mind the black and red stripes, but seriously, get rid of the Arabic. Maybe you could put a picture of Iraq or something on it to make it more interesting. That way Yemen won’t have to change their flag, which by the way, looks awesome.

The Gays (LGBT)- The Rainbow flag has always been used by many groups around the world to symbolize diversity and includiveness. So now why does the LGBT community now get to adopt this longstanding tradition as their own sole flag? I propose that the colors should be scrambled, making the color scheme "queer". Also, they could cut the flag into an upside down triangle, much like Napal's flag (which, for the record, is the raddest flag out there).
France/French Guiana- These flags are exactly the same. I understand that France has to let the whole world know that they own a sweet piece of real estate where the average high is in the 80’s. I get that. True to form, the French are snobbie show offs. Let’s distinguish this flag with a 2 on it. Like so.

Libya- I like how your flag is just one color. Definitely a bold choice. My only issue is, well, why green? There’s definitely nothing green about your country. Maybe it should be tan like the desert, or red like the tomato sauce on the pasta, which is also Italian influenced.
Poland-  I’d make tire tracks across the flag. It seems that, no matter where a country is located, Poland must be tromped through to get there. Poland just gets rolled over every stinkin’ time. Maybe I should put on tank tracks to remind them to get out of the way next time.
The only flag I wouldn’t change? Antarctica. My hats off to you guys for being strait forward and saying exactly what you mean. Bravo.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

My Very Own Super Suit

I've always thought about having super powers, however, I am not from another planet (that I know of), and hazardous waste is pretty unwieldy. You never know what you're gonna get when dealing with radioactive gunk. Having said this, it becomes obvious that super powers are not in the cards for me. Introducing The Super Suit.
Because I am rather famous, sometimes I have need for a Super Suit. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Why does this guy have a Super Suit, and not me?” Also, you may be thinking about what to have for dinner. To this, I say “Focus.”
Imagine I am walking down to the 7-11 to get a Shrekalicious Slurpee and a fist-full of hot dogs. I know its night time, but I can’t bring myself to remove my sunglasses. They just look so extremely cool.
So there I am, minding my own bees wax, when all of a sudden, a bus starts careening out of control, and rolls right down the street 37 times headed straight for me. Wouldn’t that be a great time to have a super suit? Nod your head yes.
Let’s talk about the functions of said super suit. My super suit can do almost anything. It makes me extra strong, just in case I drop something, like a Kit Kat, under the car. It also makes me run super fast. Oh, and I can fly too.
Also, it definitely has to look awesome. I mean, I don’t want to be running down the street in sweat pants and a cape, like some kind of nerd. It would have armor and a sweet utility belt too. On the belt, it would have a place for my wallet and phone since, of course, you can’t have bulky pockets in a super suit. Having lumps on your thighs looks so retarded. It would also have an oil slick, a ray gun, a PEZ dispenser, and a bull whip.
One thing that would be important is that it looks relatively normal. It would look like a regular suit. That way, I can still go to work, look hawt, and save the day all at the same time. The jacket could camouflage the utility belt, and the tie could double as a lasso or something.
You know, armor and a utility belt might be kind of heavy. To be honest, I think they would often get left in my Super Suit Display case (because you gotta display something that awesome). Also, it would get really old fast if everyone kept asking me to lift up their car or run out and get coffee, especially if they were timing me all the time. The stress of all these people relentlessly hounding me to show off my suit would get so annoying. Get your own dang coffee guys! You know what, forget the super abilities too.
I think a normal, sweet looking suit is a good idea. Yeah. I’d still use the tie as a lasso.

(Saving the Damsel in Distress. Now that's a good Super Suit.)

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

How to Turn a Doggie Door into an Amusement Machine

There is nothing funnier than watching a puppy dog run full sprint into a blocked doggie door.
There. I said it.
The other day, I finally got around to installing the door flap for my dog. Or dawg, depending on where you’re from. The good news is that he figured it out very quickly. The better news is that I don’t have to stand there and watch him pee anymore. Cause that stuff is gross.
Here's the best news of all: it is now a source of hours of entertainment, if used just right.
Now, some might consider what I’m about to tell you abusive.  If you belong to this minority, please, I urge you, to stifle those feelings and try what I’m about to tell you. You may change your tune! It’s okay, your dog will love it!* At least you will, anyway.**
First, get him used to the dog door. Walk him through it a few times until he gets the hang of it. This is crucial, as he must get comfortable enough to run through the door. Next, get him excited by throwing a tennis ball or something across the yard, meanwhile, run into the house and close the  door. As he sees you go inside, he’ll chase you and BAM! You’ve never laughed harder. (If you're imagining the same thing I am, boy, get ready!)
Again, before you get all upset, remember that he’s not running nose first into it, dogs always (if they’re smart) put their heads down to push the door open. He’s not hitting the door that hard either, so he’ll be okay. It’s just funny.
The most hilarious part about the whole thing is that they won’t learn the first time! If you take the cover off for a few days, he’ll forget about it and BAM you got him again!
Oh, good times, good times.
While we’re on the subject, trapping him under a laundry basket is pretty funny too. This is especially useful when he’s eating all the Grasshopper cookies from above the fridge. I wonder how he got up there… Oh well, my wife says he also ate my ice cream too. I hope he enjoys getting fat from all my treats!


*    He might not. That's the risk you take for a once in a lifetime situation as this.
**  You will. Trust me.
†    Yeah, I didn't believe that one either.