Please pass this on to everyone you know or will ever know.

Friday, September 24, 2010

The Art of Being a Man

Being a man has become increasingly complex over the years. For example, up until about 200 years ago, all you had to do to be a good man is work all day to feed your family. If you didn’t work, you didn’t eat, and then what kind of a man would you be? That’s right; A dead one.
I mean, even 50 years ago all you had to do was not beat your kids and not get drunk too often, and you were doing alright. These days, with the ravenous media at every turn, a man must always be on his guard. Aside from not beating your kids (which is fairly reasonable, I think (unless they deserve it)), you must be aware of everything you say, do, wear, and think. Yes, everything you think, because you never know how many telepathic people are out there at any given time peering into your less-than-manly thoughts.
Being a man today is an art form. No longer does it mean being a burly, mustachioed lumberjack, nor does it have anything to do with the amount of marshmallows you can fit into your mouth.  Being a man today is all about confidence. And winning at video games. It is also about getting as much general knowledge as possible to shove in people’s faces.
For example, last night I watched a documentary about space. Yes space. How hard core is that? Only slightly, when you consider the frailty of the average scientist. It’s still manlier than, say cross stitching though (depending on what pattern you’re using, i.e. ZZ Top=Manly). What’s more hard core is the fact that I now can verbally destroy any and all opponents who challenge me on any paltry trivia. Now obviously, I am not the manliest man in the world. I have not yet mastered this ancient art. However, I am extremely close. I admit that there are many people out there, including some members of the fairer sex, who can trounce me in a game of wits. The fact that I admit this makes me even manlier. Again, it’s all about confidence.
Sculptors and painters across the ages have painted men with perfectly sculpted physiques. Nowadays, this is not the most accurate representation of a quality cross-section of America. The fact is, people are shorter. Also, I suspect these artists paid just a little too much attention to the “details”, if you catch my drift (I can't speculate on the sexuality of said artists, but you can see my point).  There are men of all shapes and sizes all over the world. Would someone with 3 chins be considered less manly than someone with a 6 pack? Well, depending on your definition, because technically the fat guy is more man than the skinny guy, but you get what I mean. A little fitness never hurt anybody.
These days, in the heyday of automobiles and moving pictures, as they are sometimes called, appearances are extremely important. At every turn is the heavy influence of womanly things. A man must set aside thoughts of flower arrangements or Hollywood romance gossip. Hard though it may be, if these thoughts are allowed to flourish, all manly thoughts concerning cars, guns, electronics, and spy movies will be suffocated under a flower print duvet cover.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a game of “Goldeneye” on N64 to win.

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