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Monday, October 25, 2010

How to Pick Up Chicks

For your enjoyment: This is my first sarcastic essay, written in Winter 2005, first published in the Valentine's Day 2006 issue of my school newspaper.

This essay is about high school life, really. Boy meets girl, boy harasses girl, girl gets mad and slaps boy with a restraining order, that sort of thing. Hitting on people seems to be a common theme at high school. Guys are always searching for news ways to get the girl. I took a lot of these ideas from my friends, and those I saw, then I blew them out of proportion. Without further ado, enjoy!

"Hey, wanna make out?"
As one of the nation’s foremost Casanovas, I would like to share some of my many theories concerning the proper methods of relentlessly hitting on someone. These techniques have been tried and experimented, and they have withstood the test of time. Let’s start off with something easy.
Theory 1: Persistence pays off.
Tirelessly dropping obvious hints and making passes at someone every time you see them is probably the simplest way to get noticed. The ladies love being harassed by a hundred guys a day (in every part of their day). This technique is especially effective when you know they already have a quarterback boyfriend that could most definitely kick your butt (and every other body part you brush up against her). This shows bravery, which is the second most attractive trait to the ladies, besides persistence, of course.
Theory 2: Chicks dig awesome, original pickup lines.
“If you were a booger, I’d pick you first!”*
“If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.”*
Lines like these are perfect for swooning those math class would-be sweethearts.
“You must be Jamaican, ‘cause Jamaican me crazy!”* If she’s making you crazy, use that line! Any girl would be flattered out of her mind if someone used an incredible line like that!
Theory 3: Girls like a guy that can take matters into his own hands… I mean that literally!
If you’re walking down the hall and there is a certain hottie walking next to you, if you have the urge to grab her hand (or whatever), do it! The girls I know never like to make those sorts of moves first. Tickle her back, give one sided hugs, and better yet, just lay into her and dip kiss her. She’ll love that!**
Theory 4: Bring flowers every day, write notes and love letters, hide them in her stuff.
The longer the letters, the better. Make them as suggestive as you feel is necessary. Spill your heart out in these love notes. Be totally over-dramatic and act like a guy you saw in the chick flick you watched by yourself last night (hey, maybe she saw it too, and it’ll make you look extra sensitive!). Poems work as well. When delivered, these letters should ALWAYS be accompanied by a flower of some kind. It doesn’t have to be grandiose, maybe you plucked a dandelion on your way to throw pebbles at her bedroom window. Very romantic, indeed.
Case and point: this girl in one of my classes, who is the whole reason I’m presenting these theories. I wrote her notes every day, told her how pretty she is, and asked her all the time if we could go out that weekend. She always thought I was joking around with her. She wouldn’t take me seriously, until one day, I wrote her a song and performed it over the PA system at my school. This got her attention! Unfortunately, it was too little, too late. Please do not make my mistakes, my young protégé.
Alas, these tips are only to be used for your greater good. Remember, with great power comes great responsibility, and blah blah blah, all that jazz. Good luck gentlemen (but mostly ladies)!
*All pickup lines copyright Gordo 2010
**My House on The Moon is not responsible for legal fees or restraining orders that may result from this method.


  1. that was the funniest thing I have read all day.

  2. well if i could rearrange the alphabet i would put F and U together.

  3. better not let mom see this! Ha ha


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