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Tuesday, October 5, 2010

The Joys of Loafing

Who knows how many hours have been spent loafing? No, not rolling bread dough, and no, not strolling around in penny loafers. I’m talking wicked proper, idle, unequivocally lazy loafing. No one, probably. Who’s got the energy to keep track anyway?
A good loafing session may look any number of ways. Today, I wish to outline a few of my personal favorite methods in order to experience the pure elation of loafing.
First, of course, is watching season after season of a favorite television show on DVD in one sitting. Oh, how many times I have stayed up all night watching a series, such as Heroes, The Pretender, Futurama, Burn Notice, White Collar, and many, many more. It’s very easy, just slump down on the couch, and select “Play All”. Right there is a guaranteed 3 or 4 hours of lounging around until the disk must be changed. And who is going to change it?
This is what cell phones are for. If you practice, you can get anyone, be it a brother, mom, wife, or a neighbor down the street who runs in out of breath because you told him it was an emergency. It is an emergency! My DVD just got over; I need you to change it! He’ll probably huff and complain, but he will do it, albeit grudgingly. Problem solved, and you didn’t have to do a thing!
Second will have to be snoozing. I remember hitting the snooze button dozens of times instead of dragging my butt out of bed. I still got up, but I loafed around in my bed for hours. I can’t think of a more enjoyable experience of sleeping in 8-9 minute increments for a few hours, except of course, if the alarm wasn’t waking me up all the time.
An unfortunate consequence of snoozing is missing class, work, or a wedding (hopefully not your own). One way to combat this result is to set your alarm for a few hours earlier. This way, you still have the delightful experience of slapping the snooze button several times before you actually have to get up.
Last is just laying there, making others drag you from room to room. Many would argue that the most efficient way to move from one point to another is to just get up and walk. I vehemently disagree. There are many people walking from one room to another, hour after hour, day after day. These people are suckers.

The goal of this exercise is to exploit the energy they are already expending. You may choose to yell loudly for someone to come help, or you may choose to just grab on as they walk past. Either way works, however there are pros and cons to each method.
If you yell for help, you are using much needed energy, energy that could be used for more loafing. There is also a risk that no one will help you. Either they don’t care or they know what your plan is and don’t want to get tricked. Don’t give up; there is always someone that will help you, if only to shut you up!
If you choose to use the sneak attack method and grab onto someone as the walk by, patience is paramount. Someone may not walk by for a long time. When they do, do not blow your chance. Grab onto as much as you can grab, clothing, legs, etc. In my experience, grabbing both legs doesn’t work very well, as they no longer can walk. Once you have their attention, let them know they need to drag you to your target destination and you’ll leave them alone. It never fails! (Actual rate of failure is 3 in 5)
Honorable mention:  Spacing out, staring at nothing, and losing all sense of space, time, and pop culture. I do not advocate checking out of your own mind. I mean, at least enjoy your opportunity to loaf. Spacing out does encompass all requirements of what I call “loafing”, however, so I will give it an honorable mention.
Good loafing!

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