Please pass this on to everyone you know or will ever know.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

A Follow Up Letter to NASA

To whom it may concern:
Recently, I sent a package to your offices at NASA containing several articles, including head shots and designs I came up with for awesome space ships. One of these items in particular was my resume and application to the space program. I hope it was just a clerical error, but I still have not heard back.
As you may relate, it has been a boyhood dream of mine to work for NASA, specifically to become an astronaut. Long have I been preparing for the day when I would be called upon to man a mission beyond the edge of space, where Earth’s gravity no longer has control over me.
In case you lost my resume, I will detail my qualifications once more. I possess many qualities that would make me a stellar (get it?) astronaut.
First, I have an amazingly strong stomach. I can do back flips on my parent’s trampoline all day and not get sick. Also, one time, I won a chicken nugget eating contest against my little brother. 46 nuggets. I have a very strong stomach.
Second, space food will not be an issue because I practice eating food from a tube all the time. I'll bet your astronauts don't condition for the rigors of space travel like I have! At first, I would reuse old toothpaste tubes and eat from there, but now, because of my new job in the electronics section at Wal-Mart, I can afford to buy the real thing! At first I didn’t like it, but I refer you back to my strong stomach.
Furthermore, I know that I would look awesome in a space suit. It seems as though NASA would get more funding if they had better looking astronauts and more awesome looking suit. I have included an artist’s conception of the neatest space suit ever!

As for knowledge if space travel, you won't find a more knowledgeable person that yours truly. I have seen nearly every film made about space, space travel, space aliens, space suits, and saving earth from space ever made since 1987, because I wasn't born yet before 1987. Yes, this means I started watching these films before I celebrated my first birthday.

Finally, I am an experienced pilot. I have beaten every video game ever made about flying, space travel, and killing aliens. This qualifies me as the best defense against alien invaders you will interview in you entire illustrious career.

Speaking of NASA funding, I bet you’d have more fans in government and across the nation if you’d be more prompt in your replies to letters. This goes for fan mail, bills, and ESPECIALLY resumes. Some of you may be getting old, and you need young nerdy guys to run the space program, i.e. me. I'm sure you'll make the right decision.

Gordon T. Witherbottom, III
PS I would make an exceptional ray gun tester, if you need that too.

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