Please pass this on to everyone you know or will ever know.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

"If I had a slave" by Michael Ian Black

This is one of my favorite essays from my friend, Michael Ian Black, who was the inspiration for starting my silly blog. Enjoy.

"If I had a slave.
If I had a slave I would be such a good master. I wouldn't be abusive or mean. I would be kind and benevolent. I would always say considerate things like, "Good morning Slave", because I think slaves would appreciate courtesy, just as much as real people.
My slave would never want for anything. If he played music I would give him an instrument. If he liked to draw, a pencil I would give him. And my slave wouldn't have to sleep on the floor. I'd give him an old mattress or a futon I bought off Craigslist.
We would be so happy, me and my slave. We would do everything together! I would watch him work together. He would drive me around together. And when we got hungry he would feed me together. Yes, we would almost be like friends.
If I had a slave."

See you Thursday, Mike

Friday, May 20, 2011

Rapture, anyone?

Does Rapture scare anyone else? It scares me mostly because it sounds like Velociraptor, or as I like to call it, "veloci-rapture."

I've been feeling a little off my game this week... Pre-rapture maybe?

I promised the bank I'd make a payment on Monday... I'm counting on the end of days this weekend!

After the rapture, everyone who said I was an idiot for buying an RV can't come to the Grand Canyon with me.

Is it weird that I don't include myself in those who will be raptured?

I set the alarm on my phone to remind me about the rapture, but I'm concerned I'll confuse the earthquake with the vibration setting on my phone. Anyone willing to call me? (if you're still here :)

I was thinking, how awesome would it be to leave piles of clothes all over the neighborhood, then all the religious fanatics would feel like a piece of crap because they didn't get raptured! Suck it, jerks!

If the May 21, 2011 rapture really does happen on Saturday, does that mean stores will stop closing on Sundays?

I feel like this might be one of those "Heaven's Gate" type deals, where everybody kills themselves this weekend... Wouldn't that be the biggest "screw you" to those guys if the rapture happened like 10 minutes later?

Will you be raptured? If not, there's a party at my house, with chips and grape pop! There might even be lawn darts! Woot!

Looking for something to wear to your Rapture Day party? CLICK HERE

Insert rapture joke into the comment box!

In case I don't see you: "good afternoon, good evening and good bye everybody!!!"

And nice Moustache too!

My lovely wife, Missy, made this! Check her website out by clicking here!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Unpopular Methods of doing standard household activities

            Brushing your teeth

Brushing your teeth can be a pain. The motion of brushing can aggravate an old football injury, or more realistic, that time a spider started crawling on your hand, causing you to squeal like a girl and slip on the wet kitchen floor where you whimpered a little while checking to make sure nobody saw. One way around this is to hold the brush stationary, and shake your head back and forth to achieve the same motion. As before, this may aggravate other injuries, but the impact may be lessened on that sore shoulder.