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Wednesday, October 19, 2011

How to make a nice dinner in 30 easy steps

Can I get an Amen? 
How to make a nice, if not romantic, dinner:
1. Go to the store. Walk or drive, your prerogative.
2. Walk straight to the back and play the X-Box in the video game section for a while. If there is a line, patiently wait your turn. Ignore the other kids waiting for you to finish your game; play hard.
3. When you remember why you're actually at the store, go back to the front and get a cart.
4. Pace up and down the aisles aimlessly and try to find stuff that looks good to eat. Fruit Roll-Ups, Rice Krispies, and a mega pack of gum will do the trick.
5. After your cart is completely full if ice cream, chips and Hostess products, go get a new cart. Leave this one abandoned in the spaghetti aisle. You know your girlfriend will not be as happy about a candlelit Twinkie dinner as you will.
6. Now, go shop for real dinner food.
7. Ask the worker in the produce section, the one stocking up the apples, where to find good dinner food.
8. He'll give you some ambiguous directions along the lines of "Oh, there's stuff on aisles 2 through 87, and you can get stuff up front too... (trails off). Don't let this deter you, just follow his directions.
9. Start on aisle 2, and find the frozen TV dinners.
10. Find something with chicken, something classy.
11. DON'T BUY THE FIRST ONE YOU FIND! Figure out what's in it and get the ingredients to try to make it at home. This makes you look classy. You know, like you know stuff.
12. Now, with a list of ingredients, go venture out and try to collect them all. This list will usually be comprised of various onions, chicken breasts (heh), potatoes, 'shrooms, etc.
13. Once these are all compiled, head to the front of the store and get in line. If you see a line you think is moving faster than the one you're in, move. It's okay to move back if the line starts to move again.
14. Before you know it, you'll be all rung up, ready to pay.
15. Pay.
16. Thank the elderly gentleman bagging your groceries.
17. Make like a baby and head out. (see what I did there?)
18. On your drive home, be sure to listen to upbeat music, such as 2 Legit 2 Quit by M.C. Hammer or Mambo No. 5 by Lou Bega (personally, my two favorite songs)
19. After carefully parking the car in the garage, carry all the bags into the kitchen.
20. If you're lucky, she will have preemptively made the dinner, and you're off the hook. Because you're not lucky, however, you better get out your chef hat and start practicing your muppets impression.
21. Now, you're ready to cook. If you have a recipe, you better just follow it.
22. If you don't have a recipe, go ahead and get creative. Chop some stuff up, slice some other stuff up, you might even decide to saute it all together if you're feeling fancy.
23. Toss a little bit of this in, a little bit of that and mix it all up.
24. Boom. You're done! Taste.
25. ...
26. That bad? ... Hmmm...
27. Grab your Honey.
28. Grab the car keys.
29. P.F. Chang's makes a nice dinner. Go there.
30. And that's how to make a nice, if not especially romantic dinner in 30 easy steps! Remember, it's the thought that counts!

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